Influencing: It’s More Than Your Words

We are constantly influencing others in our everyday life, both at work and home. From deciding where to eat with your partner, getting your children off to school, managing contractors on a home renovation, negotiating for a new salary, or leading a new initiative at work, we have a message and a standard that we are trying to communicate.

And often we feel as though we have to say the right thing to get our message across and to get the results we desire. This is true, but not the Truth.

The Truth is that our influence depends not just our words, but on our energy. 

Think about a time you were in a conversation with someone who was saying all the right things, but you could feel they weren’t interested. Maybe they were looking past you, or looking down at their phone, or it seemed like they had another agenda. Even on the phone, you can tell when someone’s attention is not on you; you hear faint typing, shuffling of papers, the pause between speaking is just too long, and you feel like they checked out. Whether their actions were screaming “I don’t care” or giving a subtle hint that they are distracted, it doesn’t matter. With any misalignment between actions and words we begin to lose trust. We sense the catabolic energy they are holding, and we begin to close and/or blame.

Now think about the last conversation you had when someone seemed very interested in what you were saying. Their subtle laughs, confirmations, stillness, and eye contact are all a result of the anabolic energy they are holding with you. They found common ground with you, trust is formed, you feel acknowledged, validated, and energized by their presence. You feed off their energy, and you open.

And openness leads to win-win opportunities.

It’s normal to feel up and down in our energy throughout the day and even within each situation. However, when we become aware we can actually learn how to shift our energy in the moment to be more open, welcoming, and committed to the interaction at hand. This is important, because every conversation counts.

So let’s begin to think about our energy and how we show up. And let’s start with these six questions.

1.) When have you felt distracted in a conversation?

2.) What were your signs of distraction? Did you tune out, avoid, look around, speed up the conversation, interrupt, etc.?

3.) How did you feel in this conversation? Were you feeling rushed, bored, insecure, anxious, driven, excited?

And,

4.) When have your felt committed to a conversation?

5.) What were your signs of commitment? Where you giving, acknowledging, listening, finding common ground, being fully present, using your intuition?

6.) How did you feel in this conversation? Where you feeling confident, clear, energized, calm, driven, compassionate, authentic, etc.?

Personally, I recently had a call with a vendor where I was the distracted one. As soon as we connected on the phone I realized the document I printed for the meeting was nowhere to be found. So for the first three minutes of the call I searched around while trying to engage in conversation, and there is no doubt that others on the line could feel the pull. As a result, there was less flow and more force in our interaction. I could feel impatience and awkwardness. I quickly realized how my energy was derailing the call, so I addressed what was happening, and together we shifted the tone of the conversation, and found common ground.

However, I was reminded that our energy is everything, and we have the ability to shift into our higher consciousness and choose how to show up in a situation. The first step is to become aware of the energy you are carrying. Below is a list of six energy levels to look out for during your conversations. These energy levels are based on iPEC’s Energy Leadership Index.

As you read through the levels below, think about which ones resonate with you the most. What do you usually do in conversations?

Level 1: Avoid confrontation by giving into others

Level 2: Manipulate others to get your way

Level 3: Focus on achieving your goals

Level 4: Prioritize others and show them that you care

Level 5: Find common ground to take inspired action

Level 6: Tap into your intuition and be fully present in the moment

In my vendor meeting example, I was feeling Level 1 and 2 energy at first. I was impatient with myself for not being prepared and at the same time trying to avoid conflict. Then I shifted to Level 3 energy where I thought, “well, if I can’t find the document now, we can reschedule, and I’ll have more time in my day to get things done!” Yes, I became completely focused on my own goals. But, by moving into level 3 energy I consciously shifted into Level 5 energy where I briefly acknowledged what was happening on my end, took ownership, and together created a win-win outcome. With this clarity and focus, I then shifted into Level 6 energy where I was able to let go of the internal and external distractions to be present and offer solutions. By consciously shifting my energy I was able to connect, build trust, and get the results we all needed.

When we are aware, we let go and create space for opportunity. So take time to think about the energy levels you choose throughout the day. There are no right or wrong observations here. It’s simply about becoming aware and shifting your energy so that you can connect with others in a more meaningful way.

When you choose to consciously open and stand in a higher energy, then the right words will follow.

Christy Venza is the Founder of Career Loved, a career coaching firm specializing in leading-edge strategies for high-achievers. To read more articles by Christy, visit www.careerloved/blog.