Setting Healthy Boundaries
Healthy boundaries are the gateway to our destiny and success.
What do I mean? Well, let me tell you a story about one of my clients – we will call her Jane. Jane is in her mid 40’s, a progressive business woman, smart as a whip with a heart of gold. Jane, however, does not set healthy boundaries in any aspect of her life. Because of this, she continues to be taken advantage of by family, co-workers, clients – basically anyone that has some sort of significance in her life. And can you guess? Jane is unhappy. Exhausted. Unhappy in love and life. So, why does Jane continue in this path? I asked Jane the same question and here is what she came up with – she didn’t know her limits.
Is this sounding a little familiar?
If you answered yes, my heart goes out to you. And I say that with love and compassion because this subject matter is where I was only a short few years ago. I’m in a better place now, but I was an utter mess not that long ago. I was burning both ends of the candle. My career was suffering. My family was suffering. I was suffering. I knew I had to make a change.
As women, we are the nurturer’s, the peace keepers, the problem solvers and with this inherent personality trait as people pleasers, it is quite easy to get into the trap of not setting healthy boundaries.
Maybe you are better at setting boundaries at the office, but lack the same skills in your personal life or vice versa. Maybe the issue is just with family. The key here is to acknowledge boundaries are GOOD. They are HEALTHY and NECESSARY.
So, where do we go from here? Let’s dig deeper for a moment here:
Name your Limits – what do you stand for? If you don’t know, there is no easy way to say this, but you MUST find out. A good place to start is to be in tune with what makes you stressed or uncomfortable.
Tune into your Feelings – This one may not be as easy to identify, but look at situations as a Red Flag or another way a Gut Feeling. This is YOU telling YOU – this is not good for us.
Be Direct – Getting issues out in the open is uncomfortable, no doubt. Communication is key to a healthy relationship.
Give yourself Permission – it is okay to set your boundaries even if someone doesn’t agree with you. It’s not Their boundary. It is YOURS. OWN it and give yourself permission to have that as YOUR boundary.
Be Assertive – Your boundaries are set, so now it’s time to follow through. Without this additional step, you WILL stay stuck in the same place. This is the GROWTH step. Yes, Hard; Yes, Uncomfortable; and YES, NECESSARY.
Get Support – This is easier said than done. So, I am not immune to the fact, that some will need support and guidance. Don’t think of yourself less because you need help. Asking and seeking help is a strong quality. If you need support, it is out there. Love yourself enough to get support.
What does this look like from a practical sense? Let’s start with an easy one.
1. Have a REGULAR bed time. Sounds simple, but here’s a little secret – this one is my BIGGEST challenge. Loves, you have to SHUT down. Consistency is key! If you are having trouble sleeping, take an inventory of your environment and lifestyle. Trust me, it can wait until the morning. If you are constantly struggling, there are tools and tricks that we can talk about to get you to a regular bed time with ease.
2. Do a DIGITAL DETOX. If social media consumes you, take a break. Just like giving your body a nutritional detox from food and toxins, do the same for your mind – give it a day, or better yet a week. Now, on the less extreme, have set blocks of time that you will focus on social media. I know many of us here rely on social media for our business, so this may be a little more difficult for you, but let’s be accountable here. You know when you are mindlessly perusing social media.
3. Evaluate Relationships. This one is without a doubt the hardest, but unless you are on a deserted island, people are just hard to avoid. So, ask yourself a few questions:
Do the people in your life support you?
Do the people in your life add value to your existence?
Do the people in your life love you unconditionally?
Do the people in your life accept you for who you are?
If you answered no to any of the above, these people may be toxic for you or not necessarily a person you want to invest too much of yourself. These would be the first people to set those boundaries with that we are discussing. Practice with them first. Know your limits with these people. Know what you will and won’t tolerate. Be vocal. If you are not vocal and express your boundaries, this opens you up to being taken advantage.
I hope this has been a bit of a wakeup call for you as I know it was for me. And as for Jane, she still struggles, but she practices. In this journey and with each area, she gets stronger. She gets more aligned with her vision for her life and her career. Her light is starting to shine.
Christy Venza is the Founder of Career Loved, a career coaching firm specializing in leading-edge strategies for high-achievers. To read more articles by Christy, visit www.careerloved/blog.