Learn the Rules and Then Do What You Desire
My mother was a rule breaker, and at 74 she still is. She would take any opportunity to question a rule, and then break it if it didn’t work for her. From stepping beyond the no trespassing signs, to some friendly-ish police run-ins, to standing her ground in conversations and conflict, she is not afraid to stretch the limits, take risks, and question.
She is also the most free-spirited, strong-minded, and confident woman I know.
She was a rule breaker in any situation, where I was a bit more selective about it all. You see, as child and even into adulthood, I tended to take after my dad who cared a whole lot what other people thought. And please don’t get me wrong, my dad was, and still is, a bigger rule breaker than my mom to some degree, but it was always very controlled and crafted. Complaint on the outside, defiant on the inside. We didn’t want to be noticed so we stayed within the lines when people were watching. That was me. And it all felt a tad sneaky and controlling.
And through it all the control I was attempting to gain by faux complying was actually making me feel less safe and less confident. By staying so far within the lines, I created the fear that I was trying to avoid. And I was completely living outside of the alignment I craved.
And then my personal development journey began in my late 20s and for the past 10+ years I went on a journey returning to my natural state - that free-spirited, strong-minded, confident energy I always was. I learned to find comfort in the discomfort, I learned how to manage the dips and valleys, and I learned to fully embrace the peaks. It became less about the ability to break the rules, and more about doing what I felt was right in the moment.
And on this journey I started to wonder, is this where we all begin? Do we all hold this free confident, flowing energy until we let fear by fear define our beliefs, our habits, and our identities over time?
I see so many women, including myself, define their identities by the rules they abide. And often times, these rules are not even True, but are instead assumptions and beliefs that we and others turn into rules for our protection. When we let fear control us we blur the lines between rules, beliefs, expectations, and doubt, and we rely on our assumptions to guide us. And this approach leads to a life of fear-based compliance where freedom is not an option.
After watching my mother live a life of freedom, I desired to also be free, and I know I’m not alone.
Learn the rules like a pro, so you can break them like an artist. – Pablo Picasso
So how do you return to your natural state? How do you tap into your free-spirited, strong-minded, and confident self? How do you learn the actual rules and then have the courage to be you, regardless?
Recognize that you have a choice. It is your choice to live life-based on your circumstances (or others’ circumstances) or to break the mold and live life-based on your own terms. You have the choice to rise above fear, to rise above blame, and even logic. You have the choice.
Know your standards. You are different than the person next to you. They may disagree with you, they may judge you, and they may also admire you. This is none of your business. Understand what is important to you. What are your top 10 non-negotiables for how you want to live your life? Know them and then unapologetically live them, while being kind.
What are your biggest desires? What completely lights you up? What are your vision and goals for your career and life? What do you desire to manifest? What is your definition of success? When you are intimate with exactly what you want out of your life you will know when to stand in your power, be more flexible, let go, and ask more questions.
When you understand that you have a choice (yes you), you know your standards, and fully connect to your desires, you will see rules for what they truly are. And you will begin to confidently question, stretch, and take risks that take you out of ordinary, out of the stress, and out of fear, and into your natural zone of brilliance. Once you know the rules, you will have the choice to take inspired action that feels right for you. This space, right here, is freedom.
“Be free, be kind.” - my mother
Christy Venza is the Founder of Career Loved, a career coaching firm specializing in leading-edge strategies for high-achievers. To read more articles by Christy, visit www.careerloved/blog.